Loving

Motherhood took me by surprise.  I never thought I’d be one, so I was pretty sure I was pre-menopausal, rather than pregnant, at age 40.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  Our one and only child was born two weeks after my husband retired at age 55.  We’ve been adjusting to the insertion of a child into our retirement plans ever since.

When Kaleb was a few months old, I told a friend of mine that I still didn’t “feel” like a mother, as the shell shock of the whole situation was still pretty fresh.  She gave me some of the wisest advice I’ve ever received.  She said, “Mothering isn’t about how you feel, it’s about what you DO, in spite of how you feel.”  It’s profound, really.  She went on to tell me my baby wouldn’t know if my heart was filled with joy and love and all that gushy mother stuff, he just wants food, to be held, and to have his diapers changed.  She was sure the mothering feelings would follow - I just needed to keep going through the actions.  She was so right.

Over the years I’ve replaced the word “mothering” with “loving” and realized that truly, “Loving isn’t about how I feel, it’s about what I do in spite of how I feel.”  Love is always a choice, not just to my son and husband, but to those around me.  Sometimes love calls us to do things outside of our comfort zone.

This past weekend I attended the wedding of a friend’s daughter.  I went for moral support.

When her daughter was born, she held her in her arms and prayed for the day when she’d be married. She never, in her wildest dreams, could have imagined the one she’d be marrying on that day, would be another woman.  It’s been a soul-searching time for my friend, her husband, and family, but in the end, they chose love.  They showed up, in spite of how they felt about the whole situation.

The family of the other bride showed up, too, and it was obviously just as difficult for them.  Their faces looked more like they were attending a funeral, rather than a beautiful summer garden wedding - but they came.  They too, made a choice to love.  Their feelings may have been visible in their body language, but the fact they attended, meant everything to their daughter.

No one said parenting would be easy.  We all have hopes and dreams for our children, but in the end, we have no control over their chosen path.  Loving them is all about letting them go on the one hand, and on the other hand, we need to be there for them when it matters most.